Salvation by Conviction

I was a Gentile saved at the foot of the Cross April 1976. No preacher, ....just the One Teacher who convicts of sin and when guilt is acknowledged and the Holiness of God is established and you see that you deserve nothing but eternal condemnation, ... and when you get to the point where you "own" the guilt and agree with a Holy God that His condemnation is Righteous, (the first instance of repentance), only then does He allow you to apprehend His Son. That, for me, was the order of events that led me to the Cross that night. My friends all went to the pub and I was so miserably under conviction that I could barely function. God allowed me to be aware of the battle going on for the possession of my being. I was like the third party in a great fight (in my mind) . one voice of "Light and Reason" the other
definitely the "Darkside."   The Spirit allowed me to see the "fruit" of my
rebellion as He drew the "Veil" aside and I saw my place of judgment.
It was like I was actually there, the image was so strong. I saw the nails and the blood, and it was like the Lord Jesus (Yeshuwa) was aware of me being there. What broke me was not the physical suffering and I don't know why, ... it should have, but it was the realization (like a bolt of
lightning) that a separation was occurring and judgment, as a Holy God withdrew His presence from His Only Begotten Son, ...for the first time in eternity a split in the Godhead as God laid on Him (who knew no sin) the judgment that I deserved. "My God,  My God, Why hast Thou forsaken Me?"
That broke me. ...I knew there was a transaction to be made and I struggled to verbalize a prayer. The battle in my mind was settled but as I tried to pray out loud, all that came out was gibberish. I tried again, ... and still I was speaking in something I could not understand. Finally, a sense of peace and strength calmed my mind and I said, "Father, ... God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Creator of Heaven and Earth (Two years earlier it had been impressed on me, ...by God? .. I now know so, ... it just came into my head, that I must make a differentiation when praying, between a generic god prayer and a prayer to the God who was the true God and not the devil. Satan is very active, and still has authority in this Age) I said out loud," I know that I have sinned against Thee, I know that I deserve eternal separation and judgment and Your judgment of me is Righteous, and I now know that when two years ago I asked You if You really had a Son and If His name is Jesus, please help me make sense of it all, ... I know this night Thou hast answered my prayer, ...please stay with me. "Lord Jesus, I know you are there for me. I am so sorry I caused this. What an amazing thing, that you would care even for this bit of rabble." Please stay with me." I accept you as my Saviour.
Lee and Anastasia, He has been with me ever since. I live in a constant state of repentance. I believe that repentance both for the unsaved and for the believer is a part of the Holy Spirit's ministry as laid out by Yeshua in John's Gospel 14, 15 and 16, and expounded in the Epistles. Of course there is no more sacrifice for sin, but as the Spirit points out flaws in my conduct or way of thinking, these are brought before God in prayer, are confessed and forgiven.
I start each day this way.  I see a parallel between the physical offerings and the Law, as in the Old Testament and the Spiritual application of these principals in the New Testament. In other words, God never changes. The Law while Holy, Righteous and Perfect can only condemn sinful man. It convicts just like it did in the Desert. For Israel, before Yeshua, an offering for sin, transgression, etc. was necessary. After Calvary, there is no more offering for sin.  Repentance for sin draws you to Yeshua, and He, as your High Priest makes intercession for His own.
Many years ago know, God put in my heart the reality of what Israel went through as God's chosen people. (There is great blessing ahead for Israel)!! While the rest of the world floundered in sin, Israel dealt with a Holy God under a covenant sealed in blood, a covenant under the Mosaic Law. I think at the time there was not much thought about the offerings and there implication, but more on one's interpretation of law. Isn't that natural man's reasoning? "The law?" "Of course I keep the law'" "What's this nonsense about sacrifice?" Imagine the joy in both the heart of God and in Israel when the veil is lifted!! Unfortunately, for the Gentiles that have rejected the Spirit's ministry, they will have committed the unpardonable sin, the only sin that can not be forgiven, a sin against light itself, in rejecting the Spirit's prodding, and in doing so, rejecting the Grace of God.
We are a funny bunch. We tend to be self- righteous and see only the faults of other people. Until a Holy-- God deals with us. Of course, the New Testament says that the "veil" over Israel is so that the Gentiles might be; grafted in, but how many Gentile Christians apprehend this truth? Some do, but not many understand that Israel's unbelief is for a testimony to the Gentiles, that salvation and revelation are only by the hand and will of God!Israel had the Oracles of God! They rejected their King. Salvation is not by the logic of this world.There are many false churches out there that try and live by law alone. I know, I was raised in one. We pointed fingers at everybody and were so sure we represented God.  ..Pack mentality, safety in numbers?  In reality, totally blinded by Satan and lost in sin. I went back after I was saved and they all thought I was nuts. It was very sad. I did find, on the internet, a group I was very excited to contact. ...While studying the book of Acts, when I came to chapter 15 it was impressed upon me that there are two aspects to the "Church that is His Body", a Jewish aspect and a Gentile aspect. And while they are the same in the Lord, there appears to be a slight difference in how they are to apply the Mosaic Law. This is of course a moot point since both are; called to an even higher standard where we love one another as Yeshua loved us. We are to love our enemies, and the sword we are to take up is the Sword of the Spirit,  . the Word of God.
The group I found on the net was a Messianic Judaism site. I e-mailed them and found them utterly amazing. It was like meeting a long lost brother. At first it was hard to introduce myself, I didn't know what to say being a former Gentile and knowing the awful things that have been laid on Israel by the false church, but after exploring their web page and explaining why I was excited to find them I felt like I was meeting Peter's Children in the Lord.Bye for now, ...We grow every day..
Bill